overheard

The conversation went something like this:

girl: I can't believe you said that.
boy: Why?
girl: Because it made me mad!
boy: That is why I said it.
girl: Why would you want to make me mad?
boy: I've never seen you mad before.
girl: Sure you have. I've been mad plenty of times.
boy: I've never seen you mad at me. I wanted to see what that would be like.
girl: (speechless)

As a proctor at our local middle school for the end of the year testing, I have to find ways to engage my mind since a three-hour period is a long time to walk around a classroom, looking over kids' shoulders to make sure they aren't cheating. I'm always grateful when someone "needs" to go to the restroom. So I count the students based on varying criteria, categorize them and sometimes even make up stories about them.

Half of the students were wearing hoodies, obviously to ward off frost bite since the temperature of the room was similar to that of a walk-in freezer. The one with pink polka-dots got my vote. Nike shoes and Rainbow sandals seem to be the footwear of choice. Most of the students had varying shades of black to brown hair, with two on the blonde side of the hair color spectrum. One kid wore glasses. There was one redhead.

A few of them realized that I was in fact their math teacher's wife and this left them wondering what kind of a home life he must have. I wondered which of these students were the cause of their teacher's thoughts of retirement.

As I gazed upon the fresh faces of tomorrow, young people not yet knowing who they are with their braces glittering in the fluorescent lighting of the room,  I wondered what was going on in the minds of the girls with the lip gloss and painted nails; the kids who could use more time in the gym and less in the cafeteria; and the boys who may continue to wear athletic clothing every day of their school lives. Would the girl who kept fixing her hair find more meaningful pursuits? Would the self-confident boy who asked me boldly how I was doing find a leadership role in society? Would the kids who kept sniffling, forced to use pieces of cardboard-like paper towel to continue to blow their noses, ever regain their health? Would that boy try to make that girl mad again?

Testing had ended. The redhead and I exchanged a knowing smile.

a day in the life

5:30 Teacher husband's alarm goes off. Too early. Can't get back to sleep. Enjoy listening to the birds. It is amazing how many bird songs can be heard right before dawn.

7:30 Wave good-bye to those going off to school. Take a few moments to read and reflect on greater truths. Get dressed. Drink coffee. Walk the dog.

8:09 Have figured out this is the last possible time to leave for work without being late. Better to leave earlier in case there is a train or an accident blocking the road, but usually can't force myself to do so.

8:30 Walk through the red door into the preschool where I started working back in 2001, when the boys were 3, 6 and 9. Go about my duties in exactly the same way every day like an obsessive compulsive person. This way I don't have to think. I just do. I have other things on my mind, like words that are organizing themselves into a poem or a prayer, or art I am in the process of creating.

8:50-1:15 Play with babies while sitting on the floor in bare feet. Rock back and forth in a rocking chair, garnering strength for the rest of my day. Talk with my teaching partner, another mother of three, about everything going on in our lives. Chat with other teachers and parents. Drink more coffee.

1:35 Arrive home. Take out dog. Take a short nap if possible. Make it possible. Coffee.

2:30 Decide whether to do dishes, laundry, cooking, go running or work on art. This is problematic because there is usually only time to accomplish one of these goals. If I choose to run, then what is for dinner? If I choose to cook, who is going to run the dog? The dishwasher has been broken since December 1, 2011 some time in the early afternoon. The washing machine seems to be heading toward the same appliance demise, as its random beeping seems to indicate. What IS for dinner? I have no idea.

From this point on there is a complex choreography of transportation and events rivaling the greatest productions of our time. Practices, games, classes and meetings are all scheduled and like clockwork each person gets to each event more or less on time. Uniforms, taking precedence over regular laundry, are at the ready. Food in various forms is available for whomever, whenever, even if it is not to everyone's liking. A hope to have us seated around the table together again someday lingers.

Of course in the midst of this dizzying array of endless opportunity lies my unfinished and often unrealized life as a writer and an artist. How long does it take me to make a bed bunny? I am sometimes asked. That depends, I want to say, on how many people, places and things need to happen involving me and the minivan on any given day. And besides, it isn't like I time myself. Sewing has its own rhythm providing soothing relief from too much hurriedness. How can I increase my productivity and my income for my business? I was asked recently. Ah . . . live alone?!

Suggestions are sometimes made to me about letting others "help" with creating my art. Not sure how that would work. Translating my vision into something someone wants to purchase is difficult enough for me to do, but I'm not sure how I would communicate my artistic thought process to someone else who would then duplicate what I am doing. Perhaps I flatter myself but I would like to think that what I am creating is one-of-a-kind art and not easily mass produced flea market fare. Sure there is money to be made getting out a glue gun and following some downloadable pattern, but I make my own patterns. In fact, I have created everything I sell, sometimes from dreams and visions I have actually had. I like to cook the same way--often making up a recipe as I go. It takes longer but the result is worth waiting for. And there is so much more joy in the process.

The interesting part about these conversations involving my creativity is that they usually end in one of two ways. I am either cast in the role of an idealistic purist choosing a life of abject poverty in the futile hope of saving the world by reaching the hearts of people, not yet recognizing that this is a ridiculous waste of time and why in the world am I not pursuing a REAL job; or, I am made to feel like I have been blessed with unique gifts that I can choose to share with those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, knowing that ultimately I will receive provision because there are greater forces at work in my life.

Hmm. I wonder which one of these thoughts will motivate me to be creative today.

beyond survival

Too lazy to get up and turn the television channel to something more worthwhile, I found myself watching Undercover Boss last night. It was actually a "best of" show highlighting some of the more extreme situations. What stood out to me as these company presidents and leaders of business worked alongside their employees, doing whatever was required to earn them a paycheck, was that so many of these employees were at that particular job for one simple reason: money. Not the kind of money the business owner was making since he or she undoubtedly had more education and caught the breaks necessary to climb the ladder of success, but a paycheck nonetheless which would allow another mortgage to be paid and kids to find something on their dinner plates. I wondered what had happened somewhere along the line to get these people to this point in life. Naturally I reflected on my own path.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" is the question asked to children and kids getting ready to don cap and gown to walk across a stage, receiving a diploma and a handshake. Does anyone ever say, "I want to work in a dead-end job?" I remember thinking that I would love to travel, write, and become rich and famous. The rich and famous part would be necessary to make the traveling possible.

Trying to figure out what to major in if one is fortunate enough to get to go to college is not easy. Especially when I had just turned 18 and had no idea what life was like in the wider world. One of the good things about being from a small town is that everyone knows you. One of the bad things about being from a small town is that everyone knows you. This sense that others may be looking out for your best interests is not how life works. And though I never felt alone sitting by myself in the woods or in the tree where I liked to read or write in my journal, I often feel very alone in the midst of people. I thought that becoming a journalist would somehow shield me from that insecurity because I would be the one asking the questions--the one in charge of presenting the unvarnished truth to the eager, awaiting masses. (With that kind of imagination I should have majored in English or Drama!)

I keep hearing that recent graduates are having a hard time finding work in their chosen fields. I remember facing the same problem. It is at times like this that survival instincts kick in. The paycheck becomes the bottom line, even a paycheck way below what you thought you would be earning with the amount of effort involved in higher education. This was the case in my first job when my soon-to-be employer told me that he could not afford to pay me what I was worth but the job was mine if I wanted it. Rent was due and my unplanned fasting was getting the better of me. Thus would begin a series of dead-end jobs that in no way reflected what my childhood dreams were about. And yet, there was still a spark, a lingering hope, a desire that would not die.

My first job out of college ended when a partner embezzled a large sum of money, thanks in part to my efficient work as an unknowing accomplice, which eventually encouraged my boss to accept an offer to sell his company when he had the chance. I was grateful to not be indicted and do prison time, like the hapless partner, so I became a temporary employee going from office to office often answering phones and trying to make the best of it. Being a temp provided me with so much more expertise than I ever imagined. I would learn how to deal with sexual harassment in a never-ending variety of situations, and to cope with all of the rest of the people who thought I was not worthy of respect because I was, after all, a temp. My best temp job was at a law firm in which a team of us worked on a long-term project. Every single one of us had unrealized hopes and dreams. Writers, actors, musicians, teachers, a paralegal and a school principal who wanted to make movies made up our ranks of those-who-had-not-yet-fulfilled-their-callings-in-life. We became friends as we celebrated our potential and laughed at the mundane nature of our current work lives. We took turns choosing music for the office and making each other cakes. It didn't matter that we were getting paid horrible wages and were seen as nobodies because we could see each other through a lens of truth. We may have looked like mild mannered Clark Kents but we knew we were really superheroes just waiting for the chance to fly. And maybe even save someone--perhaps ourselves.

Still, after all of these years, I find it interesting that the question, "What do you do?" is difficult to answer. To say I'm a preschool teacher is kind of misleading because I don't see myself as a teacher at all. I've spent the past nine months rocking babies to sleep and being blessed to do it. Does my job require higher education? No. It requires a compassionate heart and a willing spirit. One also needs to show up on time and be responsible but aside from that, there isn't a lot of training necessary. Sometimes I say I'm an artist, depending on the person asking the question. That is also confusing since it is more of a hobby than a business, especially based on the amount of money I bring home.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a writer. Always have been, always will be. So am I rich and famous? Rich in blessings. Famous among those on my Christmas list. Have I traveled? I got to live in Denver for about a decade, went to California a couple of times, as well as New York. I've been to Quebec and spoke French. I have traveled to far and distant places through the many books I've read and movies I've seen.

What most of the undercover bosses came to understand is that their employees are not that different from them. Maybe life threw some of these workers some curves and they had some extra struggles along the way, self-inflicted or otherwise. At the end of the day we all want to come home and feel like whatever it was that we did mattered. That we matter. And whether or not we have achieved our dreams or not, there is still hope. And no one can take that away.

breathing

I realized some time ago that when my family has time off to play, I tend to work the hardest. Breaks from school are not breaks for me. So I planned for a day I would have all to myself. Last Friday was the day.

Since I would not be going to work the next day, I was not at all stressed when the track meet lasted until 10:30 Thursday night. It made no difference that I didn't get to bed until midnight. I even let Ariel sleep in instead of getting him up at the crack of dawn so he could go to school with his teacher daddy. I decided to drive him to school figuring I may as well run the dog at the park while I was going to be in the neighborhood.  hough the dog was in desperate need of a good run, I was in greater need. The woods beckoned. The smell of the trees, the sunlight filtering through the leaves, and the beauty of it all began to cure me of all that ailed me.

Returning home I was aware of laundry and dishes and though I made some basic attempts to bring some order to the chaos, I decided to fix myself breakfast. I usually don't bother to make something just for me but on this day I really wanted an egg, over easy, placed over potatoes and covered with a little cheese and salsa. I sat down and ate without rushing. It seemed almost more like a ritual than a meal. I needed to do each step in a way that would only bring peace to my soul. I would take more time to pray and focus on what was going on in my heart. Giving myself permission to take each moment as it came lightened my burden. Having a good cry during a chick flick certainly didn't hurt either.    

Being given time to work without interruption is a rare gift. It is as important as breathing. I am fortunate that the sewing I do to create fiber art to sell is also what I do to relax. I have found that it is a type of meditation for me all its own. The needle coming up through the cloth is like breathing in, and as the needle goes back down it is like breathing out. Stitch by stitch I find my rhythm. I cannot be creative when I am in a hurry. Inspiration means breathing. I am beginning to understand.

late to the party

An inability to keep up with current technology just makes a person of a certain age seem that much older. Growing up six miles from a town of 2,000 did not help since fads took about five years to reach us and our choices for culture were extremely limited. On good days we could tune in to WOKY in Milwaukee for oldies rock and roll music or WLS in Chicago for the same. Other than that I could always listen to the country station my dad had piped into the milking parlor for the cows to supposedly increase their milk production to. For more sophistication we relied on Lawrence Welk on a Saturday night. We had to drive at least thirty miles for any stores of size, movie theaters and even a McDonald's but such was the life of a country girl. Our ability to keep up with the wider world depended upon newspapers, magazines and television. We knew we were behind the times but there wasn't much we could do about it.

Being late to a party has its drawbacks as I would discover later in college when at the very last minute I decided to show up to a party well underway. I did not have the advantage of knowing exactly what went into the trash can that served as a punch bowl containing a beverage referred to as "agent orange." This should have been a sign. However blurry the events of that night are, the one thing I can remember is standing with a group of people in the middle of a street counting down  New-Year's-Eve-style to Groundhog's Day. I would never think of Punxsutawney Phil in quite the same way again.

Maybe some people are just more inclined to investigate the latest gadgets and cannot help but develop an air of superiority when their skills to master new technology start to define their lives. Even so, I did not want to be completely left out so against my better judgment, I finally gave in to joining Facebook. I continue to wonder where this will lead as I've already been taken on some rather interesting adventures. I have received an apology for something that happened in high school by someone I never knew was involved; was contacted by a former bus driver for unknown reasons; and most recently by a man I went to grade school with who is not sure he knows me because of failing memory, eyesight and is possibly in his final days of life. It seems that the question is no longer "why contact someone" but "why not?" Technology has in essence transported me back to the 1970s! What has promised to update me and carry me into this brave new world has instead caused me to remember all kinds of past events and people who shaped my childhood.

So instead of listening to the Beatles on the radio waves across Lake Michigan, I can listen to them on Spotify as I sit here in Greensboro. I can remember the sound of real telephones and the clicking keys of typewriters--a sound that has all but gone extinct in this modern world--by tuning into Mad Men that I can watch through Netflix on my computer. Old pictures can be scanned and shared with classmates who are all over the world. And though I haven't seen or heard from some of the people I went to high school with in several decades, we all seem to be showing up at this online party, late or otherwise.

run amok

To run amok is to behave in a wild or unruly manner, and I am not one to fit that description. Though I may seem completely normal, at least for me, my mind has been on overload lately trying to come up with new items for my next arts and crafts show. It isn't that I don't have any ideas. It is that I don't have the time to create them all!

What happens is that I conceptualize a project and then start to run through it step by step in my head. I eventually gather supplies and begin. I soon find that what I thought would work, doesn't. What I imagined would be easy, isn't. And my self-imposed deadlines are extended again and again. I find myself thinking about my art when I'm supposed to be doing other things. I become distracted as my mind keeps wanting to take up where it left off in the creative process. I wake up thinking about what I can do differently today. I bide my time, trying to engage in meaningful conversations as if I have nothing else on my mind, and go about my business pretending that all is well, but all the while my mind is trying to solve the issues that present themselves in this project I want to create.

I've always been a daydreamer, doodling on my paper in school when I was supposed to be learning math; looking out the window at the trees when I was supposed to be listening to a lecture. I've been accused of doing nothing while staring out the window. I may appear to be half asleep but it is at times like these when I am most awake! Most of my writing is done in my head before I ever sit down to write. My projects are like that as well, forming themselves in my thoughts before ever manifesting themselves in real materials.

I then get the chance to work on my project and I fail. I try something different and it too falls short. I know that I need to stop for today. I also know that as soon as I walk out of this room that I will continue to think about what I can do to make it better. It isn't as though I'm working on a cure for cancer or solving world hunger. I'm not inventing something to better our human condition or even worrying about what is for dinner. I'm only trying to come up with something that may bring a little joy into someone's life when that person gives or receives this thing that I've been inspired to create. I would like to think that it will make someone's day a bit brighter. And that is enough for me.

playing with tools

Here's something you may not know about me. I like to play with tools. Not big, manly tools like power saws, but daintier tools like power drills and hammers. Today I spent at least a half hour looking for my exacto knife. I've been trying to figure out how to combine the bolt of leather I found at the Salvation Army, the really cool paper I just bought at the AC Moore store that is going out of business, and a short prayer I wrote last summer into a small art book I can sell at the Farmers' Market. I was also able to purchase a nifty heavy duty punch that promises to punch through all sorts of things. I can hardly wait to try it out!

Not sure what it is that excites me so much about doing this sort of thing since I spend most of my time sewing or writing but I think it is all part of the creative process. And as I'm getting more used to the idea of being an artist, ideas just materialize and I start turning one thing into another. I have already turned two separate bed springs into a display rack and a "tree" to hang my items on. Now that I'm working on creating small birds I'm thinking of having birds perched on the wires. I want to string button garlands through the springs and have these tiny books taking their place on this evolving artwork. I can see the end result and I like it!

Time has been suspended while I've been working in here. I am shocked to find that entire hours have gone by in what I thought was minutes. I now have to re-enter regular time for awhile, but as soon as I can, I will come back to play.