inherited

The antique silver tea service has found a place in our dining room, upon a vintage table cloth covering the credenza that is filled with glassware, serving bowls, and small figurines of angels and old-fashioned Christmas carolers. On the wall above it is a mirror with a large leaf and vine border. Hanging over the table is a rather spectacular crystal chandelier; near the window, an antique wooden plant stand. Though each of these fine quality pieces are different, they all have one thing in common: they are inherited.

The dining room table and hutch were wedding gifts as are the china, silver platters and almost all of the rest of its contents. I did get to be the one who picked out the dining room set, along with the china, over a couple of decades ago, and yet the individual style of these items somehow gets overshadowed by my mother-in-law's many other items reflecting her unique personal taste which was quite different from my own.

Walking into the front room, one's eyes are drawn to the variety of candlesticks gracing the top of an antique piano. The candlesticks, heavy and sharp enough to ward off an intruder, were inherited; the piano, which happens to be a rare antique that would be valuable if refurbished, was given by a man who bought a house with a piano left behind in it. Above the piano is a large mirror with an ornate border that looks like it goes with the piano. On one side of our couch, one of the few pieces of furniture we actually went into a store and purchased for ourselves, is a beautiful wooden end table with a brass lamp on top. The coordinating piece holds our stereo. A couple of trunks, one we got at an auction holds collectibles, many that are also inherited--from my mother; the other is a trunk I've had since childhood that continues to hold bits and pieces of my life. The last time it was opened my moldy wedding bouquet that I never throw away was right next to my high school portrait that my mother insists I hang up. I never do.

There is a framed print above the couch that we saw in a black and white photo of my husband and his mother when he was her only child. That was how he knew he had seen it first when it came time to divide up her belongings. That and the rose chair that used to set in the corner of her bedroom he decided he would like to have; both of which were sent to us by his sister sometime after the estate was settled. We will never know if the chair was broken before it was shipped or if it got broken along the way. There had been so much breakage . . . along the way.

An appraisal was done to assess the value of my mother-in-law's most prized possessions. The plan was to divide them evenly among the three siblings. The problem was one of the siblings wanted to use the appraisal as a guide, the other wanted to choose according to what she desired to have, and the third was not able to use any of the items since he lived alone in a group home setting for those with mental illness. As the daughter-in-law and sister-in-law, my voice was eventually silenced and I had to stand by while my husband's hope was crushed as two men and a truck disappeared some of his inheritance into a storage unit the day before the distribution of goods was to occur. We would then be threatened with a lawsuit to turn over the family jewels, though in the end I got to keep the diamond wedding ring given to me by my husband since his mother had given it to him explaining that she received it from her husband who had received it from his mother. The lucky recipient of the third-generation diamond, I have often wondered how it could have more meaning to someone other than the bride who received it at the time.

In the midst of the family turmoil as attempts were made to divide up a household of memories, I wrote a letter and suggested we sit down as a family to have a discussion before the communication that was already tenuous at best had completely ceased. My letter was ignored and I was figuratively shown the door. Five years later an email to cover over everything that had occurred, without doing the work of reconciliation, was not the restorative balm it may have been intended to be. Other packages would arrive randomly through the years, containing what was left of a woman's life that had been reduced to stuff to be divided between people who no longer called themselves a family.

Forgiveness had become a reality for me when I struggled to fight back in the midst of the intense battle and I had heard the still, small voice in my heart tell me that what I needed to do was to admit that the money was not mine. Barely providing for our family at that point, I was not eager to receive this news. But God is faithful. He did not hesitate to remind me that the money did not belong to the other family member either. The money had always belonged to God, as everything ultimately does. It was at that moment I unclenched my fists and with upturned hands gave thanks to a God who provides. Soon after that, the settlement was finalized without a lawsuit. Each of the two households would be allotted a certain amount of family heirlooms. And reconciliation would continue to elude us all.

Recently my husband was contacted by his sister to alert him to the fact that she was again moving, had no more need of the silver tea service and wondered if he wanted it. He has wanted it for the past nine years. It arrived in two separate shipments; one large box containing the set itself along with pieces of china that match one of the sets we were given, and one containing only the very large, heavy silver tray. Unwrapping it was like taking the bandage off a wound. After this amount of time a wound should have completely healed. But it never really has.

I stare at the silver tea service while I drink my coffee, remembering what it looked like when we used to have dinner at my mother-in-law's home. We were never served tea from it and I was always nervous to have the boys, who were very young at the time, go anywhere near it or the rest of her precious belongings. Now that many of those items are in our home and our boys have grown into men, it is a different feeling. I cannot really put my finger on it, but it feels like more than just loss. It is the loss of what we had hoped would happen in that family while my mother-in-law and brother-in-law were still on this side of heaven. It is the hope anyone from a dysfunctional family has--the hope for more. More communication. More time to work out problems in a less intense way. More consideration for the personalities of all involved. More love.

The antique silver tea service has found a place in our dining room. Its cold beauty remains untarnished, unlike its family of origin. I do not know whether to put it back into a box or begin serving tea.

baby you can drive my car

Driving began for me when I almost drove Daddy's tractor into a tree. Though it marked my first and last time to drive a tractor, it was only the beginning of my life as a driver.

I would be granted a driver's license at the tender age of 16, much to Daddy's relief since he probably felt personally responsible for being the one who gave me lessons in the drive-way. Out on those country roads only traveled by those we knew who lived near-by, with deer springing out onto the path of drivers, especially at dawn and at dusk, driving was an adventure every time.

Needing transportation for my summer jobs, I would drive the family Buick. One summer Daddy bought a creamy yellow Mercury Marquis for me to drive up and down the road. It was a boat of a car that would carry me appropriately enough to my job as a waitress at the local yacht club. This car really sailed as I often would let it go, having to brake to slow it down. It also had a great radio that I could listen to the Beach Boys turned up loudly on my way to the Lake, which refers to Lake Michigan--to those who did not grow up near it.

In college most students were discouraged from having a car since the lots to park them in were miles away and there was no real need since I lived on-campus and could walk to class and to work in my dorm. I walked everywhere I went whether it was raining or not. I didn't miss having a car until it was time to come home and I would have to haul my stuff down to the bus station and ride for hours on the way back to the farm.

When I graduated from MSU and headed West, I did so in a car driven by a girl named Ardith. Her mother and I were the only passengers. Because of insurance I was not allowed to take a turn driving on the 26-hour trip straight through from East Lansing, Michigan to Denver, Colorado. I placed my life in the hands of a girl who was a friend of a friend and was happy she wasn't placing hers into mine.

Life in the suburbs of Denver was difficult without a car and though the inner-city neighborhood where I eventually moved was not considered a desirable location for most, I was happy to be able to be on foot again. Sometimes I would take the bus to Boulder to treat myself and would walk up and down the Pearl Street Mall always stopping at the Boulder Arts & Crafts Cooperative. As a bus rider I would have to be mindful of the time so as not to miss the bus back to my apartment. There would be other times when I would be running to catch a bus for work or running to catch the last bus of the evening or be stranded. It was a way of life much like it would be for someone taking the subway I imagine.

With marriage came a house and a car. But even though the Volkswagen Golf was a fine little car that we enjoyed for many years for camping and daily life, I never really got the hang of driving a stick shift and after a harrowing near-collision with a truck on a highway with me at the wheel, I decided not to drive again. And I didn't . . . for years. Living in a downtown neighborhood with bus stops everywhere allowed me to be transported without having to negotiate deer, trucks, or any other hazard of the road. I did not miss driving. At all.

By the time we had relocated to Greensboro, North Carolina, we already had one child and would soon have another. I was not working outside the home at the time and though there was a grocery store within walking distance, it was a long walk. With one baby in the stroller and the other strapped to my back, I became very THIN! I would get rides to the Mothers of Preschoolers group at the church and learned to be patient as passengers do not get to make the same decisions as those who are driving. I had to wait for others to help me and though help was often readily given, I knew the days of being without a car would come to an end.

In need of extra income, a pastor friend found a temporary job for me with a ministry. I told him I needed a car and childcare and both were forthcoming. The car, a tan 1962 Chevy Nova, had been owned by a little old lady who had kept it in excellent working condition. Because my friend is a pastor, this lady decided to donate her car to his ministry. He decided by giving me the car it was doing the Lord's work as much as anything else. The interior was in far worse shape than the rest of the car. Being on the lower end of the economic scale, I got some black and white "cow" contact paper, along with some duct tape and safety pins, and went to work on designing the inside of my beautiful car. Having the truly desirable car meant getting stopped at lights, usually by men who wanted to ask questions about my fine ride. I named her Gert after my Grandma Tate whose name was Gertha. Gert; my first car.

Gert did great until one outing on the highway when some road trash in the way of shredded truck tire pieces flew up under her causing engine failure. Fortunately I was soon met by a police officer who escorted me to my pastor friend's home so he could help me pick up my kids from preschool. I would eventually sell the car for parts much to the sadness of those who admired its retro beauty.

An early 70's Toyota Tercel in a lovely mustard gold color I named Golda became my next car as it was being sold by my mother-in-law's neighbor for a price we could almost afford, with a little help from my mother-in-law. It was easier to transport the children in and since we had by that point moved to a rental house further from downtown, it was important to have a reliable vehicle. I remember one morning putting baby Joel in the car and going back in the house to take care of one last detail. The next thing I know four-year-old Ariel is standing before me looking extremely scared. I look out to the drive-way and do not see the car! I then see it near a stand of trees at the end of the drive-way, near the railroad tracks. Ariel had wondered what that lever did. Baby Joel was none the wiser for his brief wild ride.

After borrowing a friend's minivan for a camping trip to the beach one summer, we knew with three kids and a dog it was the best practical solution for our transportation needs. One night after happily dropping our kids off at what was known at that church as Parents Night Out, we decided to skip dinner and head directly to the car dealership. There awaited a dark blue 1995 Plymouth Voyager. Again with the help of my mother-in-law, we walked out of there the proud owners of our very own minivan. It was Cinco de Mayo so we named the minivan Maya.

Maya took us everywhere for many years. She was never reliable in ice or snow but gave me a very real reason to stay home when the weather was less than sunny or cloudy. Once the paint started chipping off and the crack on the windshield continued to worsen, we began to wonder how much life she had left. When the power locks started to lock and unlock every time we turned left, we knew she was nearing her end. When the locks locked and unlocked randomly with increasing frequency, we knew she was in her death throes.

Still in need of room to cart camping gear, soccer balls and as many kids as we could find to travel with us, we would find yet another minivan. This time it would be a pale blue 2003 Dodge Caravan I would name Flo because she is the color of water, in a poetic sort of way. Her pristine windshield was soon scratched in an effort to clean the ice from it and little by little time and use are beginning to wear her down. Many days the only person taking her for a drive is me and though Flo and I go way back, I find myself thinking of other options. Minivans do not get the best gas mileage. Sorry Flo.

As my minivan days draw to a close in the next few years with the boys growing up and moving out, I think about having a vehicle to haul my art displays around in, as well as having the towing capacity for the Air Stream trailer I someday hope to purchase to be a summer home while at the Outer Banks, or for a trip up to that Lake Up North. Cars hold very little interest for me. Maybe you can't take the country out of the girl, for what I really want is a truck.

linked in, linked out

Fourteen emails from Linkedin, ranging from people I kind of know to those I know slightly better, all stating that they accept my invitation, gave me a bit of a start this morning as I sat at my computer with my first cup of coffee. The invitation in question was news to me. Did I click the wrong button? Was this avalanche of responses somehow my doing? Do all of these people now think I am actively looking for employment? Am I?

When I think about how difficult it used to be to find a suitable position, I marvel at what technology now offers. What used to take me hours on my Smith-Corona typewriter as I methodically typed out cover letters, had my resume copied at Kinko's to send out into the world with hope, a prayer and far less postage, has now been replaced by a few clicks here and a few clicks there.

I was originally invited to be on Linkedin as a reference for a friend. Hesitant to open up my life to the wider world, I cried when I finally pushed the button, completing my profile. Not sure why I felt so emotional, I tried to think my way through it. Wasn't being KNOWN one of the goals any writer has? Hadn't I worked hard to gain a higher level of education? What was I afraid of? Ashamed of? Ah . . . there it was. My failed writing career.

My claim to fame interview, as I like to refer to it as, happened while I was in graduate school at Marshall University in Huntington, West Virginia. By some miracle, an editor from Glamour magazine responded to my letter seeking employment and set up a time for me to come to New York City to interview.

As a student with no transportation or much money I was able to take the train up and found accommodations at a youth hostel. It was 1987. I would wear my best wool suit, my only silk blouse, and my brown leather pumps that I hoped I wouldn't have to wear often since I wasn't exactly a high heel kind of girl. My portfolio at the time contained the articles published in the student magazine for which I was a staff writer and those featured in the student newspaper during my undergraduate days at Michigan State University. I had added to it the articles published in the student newspaper at Marshall. As a journalism student who began as the assistant editor for my 8th grade newspaper, then becoming the co-editor of our high school newspaper, I had been writing and editing for years. And though I was not a reader of Glamour magazine as anyone who has ever known me could plainly surmise, I knew I could become one of its copy editors.

Walking into the Conde Nast building on 5th Avenue was one of the most exciting moments of my life. The woman at the reception desk pointed to the elevator where I had precious few moments to work at breathing normally before emerging to greet a woman at the desk in front of the Mademoiselle offices. I would soon be shaking the hand of an editor as she ushered me through hallways with editors discussing stories and ad placement, features and photo shoots, back into her office. We sat and talked as I was aware of every word I spoke and every nuanced gesture I made, longing to make the best first impression I could possibly make. About to go on maternity leave, this editor was eager to get someone in place as soon as possible. Copy editors were paid less than teachers which meant I would probably have to share an apartment in the boroughs somewhere and take the subway into the city each day. Hours would be long and I would at times feel like I lived at the magazine. In a few years, if I had adequately proven my abilities, I would begin the long climb up the editorial ladder, like in the movie, The Devil Wears Prada, or at least that is how I picture it. Journalist girl with little fashion sense becoming glamourous in her own right. Well, she does comes to her senses by the end of the film, but let's not digress.

So back to the interview. I felt comfortable as the editor's genuinely friendly demeanor put me at ease. Toward the end of our time together she told me that she usually can pick out a potential copy editor in about ten minutes and I should be encouraged that she was willing to spend twice as long with me. With a promise to get in touch I was sent back out onto the streets of New York to contemplate my fate. I wondered what it would be like to live this kind of life. I already had two years of living in an inner city neighborhood of Denver, Colorado before heading to graduate school and had acclimated nicely. I enjoyed taking the bus or walking downtown to my favorite coffee shop. College had prepared me for living in close quarters with a variety of people and I had even gotten used to noise levels I never thought possible growing up on a farm, six miles from a town of 2,000. I knew I could adjust.

By the time I received word from Glamour I was back home on the farm wondering where my future would take me. The letter, obviously not written by the woman I had interviewed with, indicated that a mistake had been made. I should never have been invited to interview, according to the letter. Not that my skills were lacking, but more because the departments were being changed. Apparently the editor who had been in contact with me had not received the memo. At least that is what the letter stated. In other words, the answer was no. I would not be working on my novel during the long subway rides to and from the city, meeting a guy, getting married, having children and then setting up a permanent household out in the boroughs and perhaps giving up what began as such a promising career.

Instead I would take a position with a ministry that did not work out for me or the people who hired me, head to California to have a short stay with a friend who lived with people who had something to do with the creation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and then find my way back to Denver, to the same neighborhood where I had lived before ever going to graduate school. And just as I was about to accept a reporter position on a newspaper in the mountain town of Gunnison, I would decide to marry, eventually have children and years later wonder if I would ever write again.

So maybe it is not terribly strange that coming up with a profile for an employment website would bring about some pretty strong emotions. My life is good. Even with my failed writing career. But maybe it is not too late.

men don't wear makeup

Because men don't wear makeup, they have no way of knowing just how long it takes for a woman to adequately apply some. They do not understand the nuances between liquid eye liner and a pencil. The infinite number of shades of eye shadow alone would cause many of them to roll their eyes in much the same way some do when invited to pick out the correct color of paint. How can there be so many shades of white, they wonder.

I could not wait to start wearing makeup. It is a young girl's rite of passage into the big girl world of whatever is considered fashionable. When I was growing up, Maybeline blue eye shadow was all the rage. Black mascara was all I could find so I too looked like I had gotten into a fight most of the time. The idea was to cover over the multitude of imperfections and give off this pale somewhat manikin-like aura that somehow represented beauty. I just did whatever was recommended in the fashion magazines. I knew with them as my teachers I could not go wrong.

By the time I got to college I had gotten the routine down to a science and a reasonable time limit, since I didn't want to turn into the girl we referred to as "Makeup Debbie" who would begin to apply her makeup as I headed off to class and still be working on it when I returned. The idea was to enhance our looks, not become enslaved keeping up a certain standard.

Of course I still remember the day a guy asked me why I wanted to look like a "china doll" hiding behind so much makeup. I wondered how well the foundation and powder concealed my humiliation. Taking a good long look in the mirror, I had to ask myself some serious questions.

Years into the future I would learn to wear even less makeup as demands of an active lifestyle including cycling and camping did not allow for it. By the time motherhood took over my life, I was fortunate if I could shower and brush my teeth. Wearing makeup was for those rare occasions when I got to go out without children or at least to church. I actually went ten days without a mirror once and there was great freedom in that. I came to understand that I wore makeup to cover my flaws. Without a mirror I could not be reminded of how imperfect I am. It is easier to wear makeup than have to deal with reality. That little something extra makes me feel more glamorous than life allows.

Then came the women who thought they would be brave and not wear makeup as a statement of vulnerability. I was impressed at their willingness to show their naked faces to the world so I thought I would join in. I remember greeting a friend at the door with absolutely no makeup on. Not even lip gloss. And predictably he did a double-take since he had never seen me like this before. He looked long and hard at the dark circles that always exist under my eyes and the rather blotchy skin I sometimes have, and said that of course, I should . . . look . . . like THIS . . . in my own home. What he meant was, wear some makeup next time!

Somewhere along the line I discovered a cosmetic company called Just For Redheads, which, in my opinion, is the answer to the needs of every redhead on the planet! They have helped me achieve my beauty goals by creating brown mascara which was what I had needed all along. And natural colors. Foundation light enough to actually match my skin instead of making me look as though I am ready for the showing right before the burial. Best of all: lipstick--a glorious assortment of colors, all of which are designed to make redheads look ravishing!

Because men don't wear makeup, they do not value the effort it takes, which is necessary in achieving that certain look they find so attractive. Makeup can also be somewhat expensive and because men don't wear it, they have no way to comprehend its worth. And though they say they like a girl who doesn't need any makeup, a natural beauty, what they mean is: they like a girl who LOOKS like she doesn't wear any makeup. But trust me, she does.

roommate hell

All of this talk I've recently been privy to having to do with high school graduation and future college students contemplating who they will be living with next year, has got me to thinking about my own college roommates.

With the level of technology now available, prospective students can get to know their future roomies online and even meet ahead of time to chat and perhaps determine compatibility. When I went to college, we still had to get extra long telephone cords to talk on our room phones and actually go to a library to do research. We had precious little ability to coordinate our roommates.

I happily filled out the forms and moved into room 124 Phillips Hall on the campus of Michigan State University in the fall of 1979. I didn't know it at the time but Phillips Hall was considered the Jewish dorm as well as the vegetarian dorm. It is one of the oldest dorms on campus featuring large bay windows one could sit in and contemplate life. I would live in that same room for all four of my years. My roommates, however, were more like a revolving door.

The first girl assigned to live with me seemed full of promise for about five minutes. Her name was Leslie and as soon as she discovered that the first floor of Phillips Hall was a designated quiet floor with a strict curfew and noise limitations, she put in for a transfer immediately. Studying was apparently not on her agenda. I do not think I ever saw her again.

Next came Kathy, a theatre major who was interested in children's productions. Her love for children's theatre perhaps had something to do with the very large emu puppet she would carry around on her arm, interacting suddenly with any unsuspecting resident of that dorm. A large beak attached to its long fleece neck did not have the same effect on college students it may have had on young children. Her physical limitations, in part responsible for her hygiene choices, meant that instead of washing her hair, she would often brush her hair using a powdery substance to make it look less like she had not washed it. We each had issues that were not made better by living together. When I would be in that stage between waking and sleeping and I could sense her watching me, I would open my eyes slowly to often find her staring intently at me, a few inches from my face. I may have preferred the emu by this point. I was relieved when she found a roommate who had more time for her.

Helen was the roommate who came from Detroit and would talk to her mother on the phone in Ukranian. As a big city girl she could handle almost anything except going home to the country with me and trying to survive with no convenience stores, no delivery pizza, no take-out Chinese, or streetlights. Out of all of my roommates, I got into the most amount of trouble with her. Suffice it to say that when your roommate leaves you at a fraternity house with a guy who is supposed to walk you home; or calls a taxi for you and a guy she barely knows from class to take you back to the dorm from the bar, it is not necessarily a good thing. Detroit girls may have the street smarts to handle themselves; naive girls fresh off the farm do not. Our roommate days were over when I went back to the room earlier than expected one night and walked in on Helen and her boyfriend getting to "know" one another. In the biblical sense.

Next in the roommate line-up was a girl named Trish who majored in elementary education and seemed to spend a lot of time in the room cutting out laminated pictures for her student teaching. She would be tucking herself into bed when I would be getting off work and begin my studying. Sleeping was optional for me and if I got to hit the bed four hours a night I was fortunate. I loved taking naps in the afternoon, but with a roommate showing up and wanting to listen to music or having friends over, this did not happen often. We shared some of the same friends which included guy friends. It was only a matter of time before her favorite guy friend from the brother floor downstairs would decide to date me instead of her. This was all my fault, she claimed. I would lose another roommate, shortly thereafter another boyfriend, and at last would live by myself . . . for awhile.

One of the two summer terms that I went to school, I moved off-campus to live in an apartment we affectionately referred to as Dive Number Three. It was furnished with broken furniture and a tiny kitchen. My roommate, Anne, made it clear from day one that I was living with HER and not the other way around. I knew she was high strung from living next door to her in our dorm for years and being forced to listen to Joan Armatrading's "Love & Affection" played on a continuous loop. By about the fifth time of hearing, "I could really dance, really dance, really dance, really dance," I would have to go hide myself in the stacks of the library, my second home, and let go of the idea of ever sleeping again. As long as I understood my place and her rules, life was pleasant.

I would finally end up living with a sweet girl named Nita who would take the saddle she sometimes had with her when she would ride her horse she had boarded nearby, place it on the bed headboard and "ride" it while listening to the William Tell Overture. Because it was my fourth year in that room she wanted me to understand it was no more my room than hers, though I did not share that opinion. When I was out one day she decided to invite some friends over to rearrange the furniture. At an opportune time I moved it all back the way I had it to begin with. Amazing how the adrenaline of anger can empower one to move furniture previously thought impossible to budge. We did become unlikely friends by the time of my graduation and I was able to experience a proper roommate send-off.

Determined to never have another college roommate again, I ended up with one my first year of graduate school at Marshall University where I sought out dorm life for the sake of convenience. I could forgive my roommate, Kim, for thinking Michigan was "a city Up North," but had to draw the line at smoking. I had signed up for a nonsmoking roommate, I pointed out. She couldn't admit that she was a smoker on the application while her mother was standing right there, could she. Most of the time she smoked at the biker bar where wild nursing students liked to party. After she admitted that her "boyfriend" was actually a girl and I had the awkward experience of walking in on them, she was convinced I would move out, but I never did. She said she felt that I was judging her even though she judged me for the guy I was dating at the time. I told her the only difference between she and I was that I knew where I was going when I died. She said she would make it right with God before the end of her life. I told her that the way she was living, the end could be that day. She eventually found peace.

In all fairness, I walk, talk, sometimes scream, and have attempted to carry out other activities in my sleep, making rooming with me an adventure. I came and went at all hours of the day and night and had no time to do trivial tasks like dusting, my friends would remind me as they wrote me notes in the dust on my desk. Living together requires a give-and-take attitude, communication of expectations, and a lot of forbearance. It is not for the faint of heart.

I would spend my final year of higher education in a designated one-person room in a co-ed dorm.     ALL . . . BY . . . MYSELF.

when I am loved

The funny thing about one feeling loved is that it can make all the difference.

When I am loved, I take a step away from the hyper-vigilant state I naturally find myself in as I encounter the world. I take a deep breath knowing I can do whatever I am called to because of love.

When I am loved, my creativity takes on new dimensions. I share in the joy of those who can receive what I have created and do not become paralyzed by the rejection of those who do not understand.

When I am loved, I take greater risks with my literary endeavors and move closer to revealing the truth of my heart. I become less concerned with offending and more intentional about telling my stories.

When I am loved, disappointments do not send me into deep depression and unexpected heartbreak does not plummet me into complete despair. Love becomes a cool drink that quenches my thirst.

When I am loved, I can be satisfied with a mere appetizer and not keep looking for fulfillment throughout an entire meal and then on to dessert. I savor what I have and do not need to look for more.

When I am loved, I sleep better knowing I am secure. Finding rest is no mean feat for someone who overthinks everything in the way that I do. I always have my dreams to work out my insecurities.

When I am loved, I find courage I did not previously have. I do things I did not see myself doing and then wonder why I had not done them before. Within love there is an allowance for failure.

When I am loved, I see a better reflection in the mirror and judge myself less. Wondering how I appear to others does not preoccupy my mind as much. I become free to be kinder to myself.

When I am loved, I do not stumble for words to speak nor does my face turn red as frequently because I am more confident. I remind myself that the assuredness others have may be because they feel loved.

When I am loved, I exercise more. I feel that I have more worth and need to take better care of myself. I put myself on the priority list reserved for important things. I become important because I am loved.

When I am loved, I do not need to make excuses about why I am experiencing deep emotion over things others cannot relate to. My expressions are not less real or valuable; they are uniquely mine.

When I am loved, I judge others less because I want them to feel loved. Not wanting to be excluded, I try not to exclude. Not wanting to ever feel unloved, I do not wish the same fate on others.

When I am loved, I am able to extend my hand to others calling out for help because my greatest need is already met. I do not have to be competitive or controlling. I only need to love.

When I am loved, I love others more. Love self-generates; it is renewed. It is expressed in an infinite variety of ways. It heals. It sets free. It causes one to laugh and another to cry. It is never the same. It never changes. It is life-giving and life-altering. It gives us a will to live and a reason to get up in the morning. It is what we all need. It is what we need more of. It is not too late to love. Ever.

Love never fails.  

community

I'm in the mood for a little church right now. Consider yourself warned.

Before I write a prayer, I have this process that I go through. Sometimes I do not know that the phrases forming themselves in my head are meant to become prayers. Sometimes I do. There is usually one line that will persist until I agree to write it down. Persistent thoughts can be pretty stubborn that way.

Then, depending on whether the pastor is using the scripture passages the lectionary has assigned for that particular Sunday, or if he is going to use other scriptures, I will look them up and see what gets my attention. While looking around I will often find passages I have underlined that are important to me. I may end up taking my own journey and wind up with something totally different. When scripture is speaking to me, in whatever way it chooses, I try to listen.

Yesterday I found myself wandering around in the book of Romans. If I ever need encouragement, I can always go to chapter 8, verses 38 and 39:

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

If I could have only one scripture, that would be the one.

Chapter 12 of the same book is recommended reading for this upcoming Sunday, so I read it as well. It is there that I came upon a scripture that has held me in its grip for a very long time. Verse 15 reads, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." After over 30 years of reading this verse, it still speaks to me, often causing me to find a tissue. Sometimes my hope of rejoicing with others is dashed, breaking my heart in the process. And finding those willing to weep with me is not as easy as one may think. We cannot always rise to the occasion and give to each other exactly what each one needs, and yet if there exists a scriptural definition for "community," this is it.

What this scripture tells me is that to be in a community is not only to be of service to others but to share in the joys and sorrows. Whether the community is a church, a school, a workplace, a neighborhood, or a family, we are told to go ahead and celebrate the fun days, but also to be there for the hardest ones.

I thought about how much easier it is to rejoice with people than it can be to weep with them. It does not require much intimacy to celebrate with people at a party. The reason for the celebration carries with it enough joy in itself that it does not depend so much on others to magnify it. Most people do not have a hard time putting on party clothes and showing up to have fun. It is not a high risk decision.

Sharing grief is different. When a close friend asked me to travel with her to her mother's memorial service, she was asking me to do something sacred. She said she could not think of anyone she wanted to grieve with her more than me. I cannot think of a higher compliment. Mourning with someone is personal. Real emotions are expressed. Words are not enough to convey the depth of feeling. Saying we are sorry for a loss doesn't make the burden any lighter to bear. The tunnel the grieving person must walk through is going to be dark and painful.When we agree to weep with someone we are saying we are willing to walk alongside, no matter how awkward it feels. There are some experiences in life we do not ever get over. We merely get used to them. We exist in an alternate space until we can handle coming back and reengaging with life as we know it. Except that life as we know it no longer exists.

Fresh from reading the Romans 12:15 scripture, I was on Facebook when I saw a post from a woman I work with and used to go to church with. Her post was a news article of a shooting in a nearby state in which a police officer, who intervened when a man went on a shooting rampage, and a high school boy driving his car home from his school's graduation ceremony, were both shot and killed. Her status indicated that the boy was her nephew.

I do not know this woman extremely well though I find working with her to be a delight, and I certainly have never met her nephew. I posted that I was sorry for her loss. Maybe it is because I've been in an emotional place lately as I'm getting ready for my second son to graduate from high school, or maybe it was getting to me because of the senseless, random nature of this event, emphasized by the posted letter from the head of the boy's Christian school in which he wrote he could not know what God was asking of that family, but I have been weeping with those who weep.

Slow to admit that online communities are truly meaningful communities, this event has changed my opinion somewhat. No sooner had I posted my condolences, did I see other women I work with and people I used to go to church with posting their words of comfort for this grieving family. And though I have read plenty of posts having to do with the deaths of loved ones, I just happened to be online when so many of these posts were being made that it felt like we were coming together as a community in a way I have never associated with social media before. Immediately words of healing and prayers were sent in ways previously never possible. Facebook was answering a higher call.

Today I read this high school boy's final blog entry. It was about how excited he became when he contemplated heaven. As of last night I counted over 40 posts to this family and 11 shares of the original article. People who work with them, go to church with them, are related to them in a variety of ways are all part of this community that once could rejoice with them as they were filled with the joy of raising a boy who by everything I have read was becoming a wonderful man. We now grieve. An entire community. All of us.