Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
These questions remind me of, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," and limit an exchange of thoughts and ideas. In an environment of information control, the potential for the dissemination of untruthful, unnecessary and unkind messages is real.
What is truth becomes a philosophical impasse beyond which it is not possible to go. The question becomes: Which version of the truth will be accepted, and by whom?
It is encouraged in our society to talk for hours about nothing, and if the truth cannot be known, prattling on about nothing of importance is at least thought to be polite. It is, however, completely unnecessary. Ideas of substance, requiring a higher level of discourse, should not have to ask for permission to prove their worth.
Asking whether or not something is kind is purely subjective. I think of the hapless souls who end up on talent shows getting negative feedback on their lack of musical ability because of all the wonderful people in their lives who decided it would be unkind to tell them the truth about their lack of talent. Kindness is being gentle with the truth, not avoiding it altogether.
What has helped me far more than those three questions have been the Four Questions asked by Byron Katie, an author who teaches a method of self-inquiry called The Work. It starts with writing down judgments or stressful thoughts toward other people and then putting these judgments, one-by-one, up against each of the questions.
Her first question is the same: Is it true? Depending on varying points of view, it is almost always up for debate.
The second question opens up the idea of truth further: Can you absolutely know it's true?
Knowing whether or not something is true takes me back to Journalism 101: Consider the Source. Is the source trustworthy? Does the source have an ulterior motive in saying something untrue about the person in question or the situation that is being questioned? Do I have any verifiable proof that what is being considered is true? How sure am I? Is it worth the leap of faith in believing it?
Third, How do you react--what happens--when you believe that thought?
If I think someone has judged me unfairly, believing it before it has been tested for accuracy will cause me to judge unfairly right back. Our belief systems are powerful, intricately formed over years of trial and error. When someone hurts me, how I will react may be a learned behavior based on being hurt in a similar way the last time. Trip the trigger in my brain and a reaction is at the ready to be played out accordingly. Deciding to believe something that is not true can be held onto as fiercely as something that took time to prove. It is up to each one of us to choose what we will do.
And finally: Who would you be without the thought?
Without the thought of having to ask whether or not something is true but instead giving that person the benefit of the doubt, would make me feel like a more compassionate person. I would tap into the empathy I am naturally gifted with as I would also consider how it makes another feel that I would want to question that person's integrity. I would let go of the question as it no longer had purpose.
Not having to consider whether or not something is absolutely true gives me a sense of peace. There is much that is unknowable. If I put my trust in God, I do not have to be in charge of knowing all the answers. I can stop the inquiry and direct my energy onto something more productive.
If I am not reacting because I am choosing not to believe the judgment against me, I will not harbor a bitter root of anger that eventually seeks its will by leading all astray toward paths of evil. I would have the opportunity to be proactive instead of reactive, choosing the way of peace instead of the devastation that results from withholding love. Though I would have no control over what someone would choose to say or not to say, I would have control over my response.
Who would I be without the thought--the stressful, painful, brokenness-that-threatens-to-cast-me-into-outer-darkness-thought--that someone has judgment against me?
I would be free.
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
These questions remind me of, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," and limit an exchange of thoughts and ideas. In an environment of information control, the potential for the dissemination of untruthful, unnecessary and unkind messages is real.
What is truth becomes a philosophical impasse beyond which it is not possible to go. The question becomes: Which version of the truth will be accepted, and by whom?
It is encouraged in our society to talk for hours about nothing, and if the truth cannot be known, prattling on about nothing of importance is at least thought to be polite. It is, however, completely unnecessary. Ideas of substance, requiring a higher level of discourse, should not have to ask for permission to prove their worth.
Asking whether or not something is kind is purely subjective. I think of the hapless souls who end up on talent shows getting negative feedback on their lack of musical ability because of all the wonderful people in their lives who decided it would be unkind to tell them the truth about their lack of talent. Kindness is being gentle with the truth, not avoiding it altogether.
What has helped me far more than those three questions have been the Four Questions asked by Byron Katie, an author who teaches a method of self-inquiry called The Work. It starts with writing down judgments or stressful thoughts toward other people and then putting these judgments, one-by-one, up against each of the questions.
Her first question is the same: Is it true? Depending on varying points of view, it is almost always up for debate.
The second question opens up the idea of truth further: Can you absolutely know it's true?
Knowing whether or not something is true takes me back to Journalism 101: Consider the Source. Is the source trustworthy? Does the source have an ulterior motive in saying something untrue about the person in question or the situation that is being questioned? Do I have any verifiable proof that what is being considered is true? How sure am I? Is it worth the leap of faith in believing it?
Third, How do you react--what happens--when you believe that thought?
If I think someone has judged me unfairly, believing it before it has been tested for accuracy will cause me to judge unfairly right back. Our belief systems are powerful, intricately formed over years of trial and error. When someone hurts me, how I will react may be a learned behavior based on being hurt in a similar way the last time. Trip the trigger in my brain and a reaction is at the ready to be played out accordingly. Deciding to believe something that is not true can be held onto as fiercely as something that took time to prove. It is up to each one of us to choose what we will do.
And finally: Who would you be without the thought?
Without the thought of having to ask whether or not something is true but instead giving that person the benefit of the doubt, would make me feel like a more compassionate person. I would tap into the empathy I am naturally gifted with as I would also consider how it makes another feel that I would want to question that person's integrity. I would let go of the question as it no longer had purpose.
Not having to consider whether or not something is absolutely true gives me a sense of peace. There is much that is unknowable. If I put my trust in God, I do not have to be in charge of knowing all the answers. I can stop the inquiry and direct my energy onto something more productive.
If I am not reacting because I am choosing not to believe the judgment against me, I will not harbor a bitter root of anger that eventually seeks its will by leading all astray toward paths of evil. I would have the opportunity to be proactive instead of reactive, choosing the way of peace instead of the devastation that results from withholding love. Though I would have no control over what someone would choose to say or not to say, I would have control over my response.
Who would I be without the thought--the stressful, painful, brokenness-that-threatens-to-cast-me-into-outer-darkness-thought--that someone has judgment against me?
I would be free.
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