The problem with change is that once transformation occurs, one cannot go back to the previous way of being. This would not seem to be a problem, but strangely--it is.
Perhaps it is wrapped up in the expectation of others for the desired change they would like to see in me.
If someone assigns me a project and then stands patiently by, waiting for me to perform my duties, that person cannot help but want to see me behave in the way he or she thinks I should. But this may not have any bearing on the way I am capable or willing to proceed with the work--the unique contribution that only I can make.
Not satisfied with my performance, the work is reassigned to someone who will be more effective. Or, in other words, someone who will perform according to the unspoken standard.
Then I have to decide how to respond to the incompetence which now supposedly identifies me.
But I choose not to.
This only makes it worse. "We knew she couldn't handle it," becomes the prevailing shared thought.
I can.
But I can only do things the way in which I do them. And that is a problem--especially for those who want to change me.
What they do not realize is that in this ongoing effort to transform me into something akin to their image, thus making me acceptable to them, transformation does take place. But it goes terribly awry. I do not change to fit their ideals. I become aware of my own. I stop seeking their approval digging deeper to discover the love that has been in my heart all along. I find joy in the creation and in the Creator. I find peace in the strangest of places. I let go of the ties that bind me to those who insist that I adapt. I break free.
There is a price to be paid for freedom. Not everyone cheers for the one who discovers it. Rejection, not praise, is often the response. To let someone down for not being who that person wanted me to be is tough--for that person. For me it is another small victory in a life that seems to do a fair amount of struggling to emerge from under the heavy burdens others casually toss on top of it.
Like a seedling straining to find sunlight and a few drops of dew, the journey out of the darkness is not an easy one.
But it is mine.
Perhaps it is wrapped up in the expectation of others for the desired change they would like to see in me.
If someone assigns me a project and then stands patiently by, waiting for me to perform my duties, that person cannot help but want to see me behave in the way he or she thinks I should. But this may not have any bearing on the way I am capable or willing to proceed with the work--the unique contribution that only I can make.
Not satisfied with my performance, the work is reassigned to someone who will be more effective. Or, in other words, someone who will perform according to the unspoken standard.
Then I have to decide how to respond to the incompetence which now supposedly identifies me.
But I choose not to.
This only makes it worse. "We knew she couldn't handle it," becomes the prevailing shared thought.
I can.
But I can only do things the way in which I do them. And that is a problem--especially for those who want to change me.
What they do not realize is that in this ongoing effort to transform me into something akin to their image, thus making me acceptable to them, transformation does take place. But it goes terribly awry. I do not change to fit their ideals. I become aware of my own. I stop seeking their approval digging deeper to discover the love that has been in my heart all along. I find joy in the creation and in the Creator. I find peace in the strangest of places. I let go of the ties that bind me to those who insist that I adapt. I break free.
There is a price to be paid for freedom. Not everyone cheers for the one who discovers it. Rejection, not praise, is often the response. To let someone down for not being who that person wanted me to be is tough--for that person. For me it is another small victory in a life that seems to do a fair amount of struggling to emerge from under the heavy burdens others casually toss on top of it.
Like a seedling straining to find sunlight and a few drops of dew, the journey out of the darkness is not an easy one.
But it is mine.
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