nothing to offer

The sweet yet tart lemon pie filling resisted solidification as more time and higher temperatures were doing little more than burning what had started out as a perfectly good crust. I would have to come to grips with the reality that my attempt to make a pie had failed and I had nothing to bring to the covered dish luncheon at church. I sighed deeply, unsure of where this possible sin ranked among the faithful.

I have been baking since I was ten years old and take a certain amount of pride in what I create. Being able to offer my dad a piece of homemade cherry pie could somewhat make up for the fact that I could not lift a bale of hay and was not his best pick for someone to fill in on the asparagus picker. Too small, too slow, too sunburned--there were plenty of reasons to find someone better. But in the kitchen I could make a wide variety of cookies, candies and pies that would fill the house with the aromas of cinnamon and chocolate, letting me feel like I was contributing something special.

The old-fashioned advice: the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, served me well over the years. I remember bringing a chocolate pecan pie over to my friend's house the night he proposed marriage. It provided a delicious passage for our conversation to travel from our philosophies of life to how many children we planned on having. He would offer his heart along with his house, his hopes and dreams. I would offer unending batches of chocolate chip cookies.

There are certain go-to dishes that are always a crowd pleaser. My molasses cookies with the butter cream frosting are standard fare for the church gathering and a small fan club cheers me on whenever I show up with a tray of them. But I did not have time to make them. And because it is Lent I needed to forego with anything chocolate. So lemon pie with meringue was my next favorite.

Having made this recipe before, I thought it would be a sure thing. The crust turned out almost like my mother used to make. I say almost because she would make her crust thinner and even more perfect. I heated the milk and whisked in the sugar-corn starch combination. It was supposed to thicken and seemed like it was starting to do so when the lemon juice and zest were added. Maybe the lemons were bigger than usual providing too much juice. Maybe it did not cook long enough. At some point I decided it was time to pour it into the crust-lined pie pan and put it in the oven. I would whip up the meringue while it was baking.

Every ten minutes I would check to see if the liquid filling was setting and would close the oven door, look at the clock and go on about my business for another ten minutes. This went on way too long. At one point the filling started bubbling, rising to the top of the pan and even overflowing. I had turned up the heat trying to force an end to the baking. Nothing worked. By this point the outer edge was not only covered with a sticky lemon coating but the additional heat had turned it black. This pie would never be leaving the house.

In a last ditch desperate maneuver I let the pie cool a few minutes before putting on the meringue that was already losing its lift. I then put it back in the oven with the crazy idea that I would pull it out and the meringue would be lightly toasted, covering over the disaster of a scorched crust, but alas, there was no saving it. I had failed.

I was too tired and it was too late for me to do anything more. I would see what I could come up with in the morning.

Waking before the alarm I lay in bed taking a mental inventory of the pantry. Baking staples--flour, sugar, oil take up one part of it. Spaghetti sauce, barbeque sauce, tomato soup, noodles, beans and random items like mustard and Nutella make up most of the rest. I would have to get out of bed to check the freezer and refrigerator, coming up empty-handed.

I can make great biscuits from scratch using cheddar and parmesan cheeses and wonderful scones made with lots of cream and butter, served with lemon curd. Recipes flashed before my eyes until I had to face the reality that apart from bringing my newly purchased chips and salsa, which I knew the people at church may not appreciate nearly as much as my sons will, I had run out of ideas.

I had nothing to offer.

I did not like to explore this nothing-to-offer status. It made me feel dependent, forced to wait in a child-like place for my need to be met. I tried to push aside the emotion welling up within me and order my thinking. All I needed to do was to make something edible to bring to church. How hard was that? But in my desperate attempts to do the acceptable thing, I discovered what I needed more was to move beyond self-sufficiency into peace. My perfectionistic tendencies were predictably encouraging me to react in self-protective ways, but I could not come up with a viable excuse. With failure staring me in the face and no immediate way to fix it, I had to take responsibility for messing up. It was no one's fault but my own, and . . . .  Right in the middle of my ensuing panic came the voice of the steadfast Spirit calling to my heart to stop striving and simply reach out my empty hands--to Him.

Tables were overflowing with each person's homemade delicacy as I got in line to eat. Afraid I would feel ashamed for having contributed nothing, I instead felt only gratitude. No one asked me what I brought. There seemed to be plenty of food for all. The only One who knew my heart at that moment was the one who held my empty hands in the quiet of the morning, giving me the freedom to be released from my self-imposed requirements--to offer myself and nothing else.

As for the pie, though it did not look pretty as the meringue pulled away from the sides exposing the burnt edge of the crust and a filling that never did set correctly, its flavor was much better than I expected, and when we got home, my family happily got out their forks.

workshop

Earlier today, I was supposed to be sitting in an afternoon workshop "exploring new and interactive ways to journey from the outer edges into the very heart of God through worship," the brochure promises, after attending a morning workshop for Clerk of Session, the title given to me at church.

Lunch was perhaps turkey, thinly sliced with avocado on a croissant, or maybe a savory tomato soup with a cheese biscuit. For dessert there may have been chocolate brownies which I would have had to pass up because it is Lent. I would drink more coffee and having no one to sit with or talk to I would be reading an issue of The Sun, a literary magazine, which I brought along to arm myself against loneliness in crowds, which is usually where I find myself feeling most alone.

My anticipation for this conference began about a month ago when after what turned out to be a rather trying Session meeting I was sent an email from the church secretary offering me a life-line in the way of these workshops. I could never figure out if she just happened to be reading her Presbytery newsletter or if someone gave her a heads up that I was in need of information. In either case, I made use of the news of this upcoming event and promptly registered.

I then had a month to wonder why a conference called Exploring the Outer Edges was not filling me with the excitement that should accompany such a journey. As a seasoned warrior of church life, I had been trying to overcome those Outer Edge obstacles for many years and had yet to figure out how to feel like I had successfully made it over the edge and could pitch my tent inside the camp.

Most of the workshops I have ever attended have fallen into one of two categories: women's retreats or writers' conferences.

A women's retreat begins with women sharing the excitement of breaking free of the responsibilities of work--in and out of the home--by laughing, crying, dancing, praying, and not being asked what is for dinner. Workshops can range from intimate times of prayer to treasure hunts through neighboring towns. Free time can mean hiking up a mountain, talking over coffee or taking a much needed nap. There is a lot of emotion and a lot of connecting. Friendships are formed.

Writers' conferences, however, are not necessarily for making friends since most writers would rather not look up from their books. When walking into an auditorium filled with writers, one notices it is quiet--and this silence bothers no one. Having not gone to a writers' workshop in recent years, I wonder if the reading would be done on tablets or if actual books would be in the hands of those awaiting the keynote speaker. When one is reading a book, the book can become an invitation for conversation. When one is reading a tablet, no one knows what he or she is reading, thus eliminating all possible human interaction. It would depend on the day as to which one I would prefer.

Today was going to be a conference filled with Presbyterians--a group in which I now find myself. Both men and women are ordained as elders, or officers as they call themselves, and the same goes for teaching elders who lead congregations. Though being a Clerk requires the secretarial function of taking minutes and submitting them for the next meeting's agenda, this position is not held only by women. The effort made in bringing equality to leadership does not go unnoticed in this, my first go-round in a position of responsibility, unlike past positions in which I only led women.

Determined to represent my church to the best of my ability, I prayed my way over to the neighboring town's church that was hosting the event, and drove into an empty parking lot next to a church I could tell was locked even before I jumped out of my vehicle to check the door. Surely I would not be the only one who showed up, I thought, as I waited in the abandoned lot on the outer edges of the snowbanks. What does it mean to be the Church in the 21st Century?--the brochure asks. It apparently means checking the website before making the journey.

After getting my husband and son to join me for breakfast at my favorite diner, I came home to change back into my pink polka-dotted pajama bottoms and gray over-sized sweatshirt I wear when it snows. Still feeling chilled from being out, I prepared some hot honey citron tea, my latest obsession, and turned on Taize music to relax.

Not sleeping that well last night, I leaned back in my chair and fell asleep. I was transported briefly to an afternoon on a beach in which everything was warmed by the light of abundant sunshine. I could feel the warmth of the sand as I noticed someone sitting near me, unbuckling his sandals. I reached down to help, thinking about washing feet when I woke up to the Taize music, still playing.

Peace washes over me now, as I sit wondering if I had been momentarily in the presence of he whose sandals I am not worthy to unfasten.

unexpectedly

As I unloaded my vehicle last Saturday afternoon, gingerly walking on the ice-covered driveway as I carried my bed spring display rack to the storage shed, I discovered a paperback book wedged between the passenger-side back seat and the side of the car.

Tired from a morning at the Farmers' Market and feeling discouraged since I had made no sales that day, I barely looked at the book, focusing instead on its possible ownership. Since I increasingly drive alone these days, I could not imagine who would have left it behind, especially since my youngest son, the last one left at home, has not yet fallen in love with books.

It was just a week ago a friend had travelled with me to Chapel Hill to attend a lecture, and visit my oldest son, who has finally discovered the joy of reading. My friend had left her bag in the back seat and though I was not paying close attention to it, I wondered now if it had been a tote bag like many teachers carry, containing books. Perhaps one had fallen out. Speculation was endless as to how this book could have entered my vehicle and gotten trapped there, as my mind raced to solve this mystery.

The book, a book of prayers entitled Wonder, Fear, and Longing started working on me, but it was not until I turned the book over to read the outside back cover, as is my tendency whenever I find a book in my hands, that the sentence at the top in all caps overtook me: WHAT DOES YOUR HEART NEED? And though one would think this would get my attention in a good way, inviting me to explore my inner world, my immediate reaction was to throw the book against the house as I was walking toward the door. Not ever wanting to damage something as precious as a book, I found the self-control to refrain.

WHAT DOES MY HEART NEED?! WHO WANTS TO KNOW?!! AND WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE ANYWAY?!!! It was just a question. It was just a book. But its message was now interfering with my state of mind, already picking up speed to head in a dark direction. The book was in essence saying, "Excuse me, can we talk?" and I was uncharacteristically saying, "NO!"

Forcing myself to take this book head-on I did eventually read the back cover: "The point of this book is to encourage you to give yourself to God--your anger, your fear, your gratitude, your curiosity--your real self to the real God, because then (and only then) will your heart find peace (even in the midst of wonder, fear, and longing)." I did not want to read this. I needed to read this.

As I continued to read the book, it sounded familiar to me. The words fell like raindrops on the dry, cracked soil of my heart, broken wide open as the pastor of my church, who had become a good friend to me and to my family, would transition into another position in another state, leaving behind a stack of books--one for me and one for my husband--since he, like us, loves to read and to learn. I had walked into the conference room at the church after he had cleared out his office to see a large table filled with what I recognized had once lined his shelves, when I would meet with him across the round table usually covered with stacks of books as well. Books written about the faith we shared; books on history, various religions; books meant to guide someone in his or her life's journey. Books to challenge one's thinking and ask meaningful questions.

Walking out of the conference room that day, carrying as many books as my arms could hold, I unceremoniously tossed them into the back seat of my vehicle and drove away choking down more tears. I did not want these books coming home with me. I wanted them to remain on the familiar shelves of someone I would counsel with, talk to and assist in leadership. Taking these books was forcing me to realize that someday when that office door would again be open, nothing would look the same. The pictures on the walls would be taken down, replaced by the memorabilia of someone new. Personal effects would all be gone. A day or two later a friend would show up with a box containing one of these artifacts: the carved four friends embracing around a fire candle holder. It used to be on the corner of the pastor's desk. I do not know how I knew that particular item would be in the box my friend stood holding on my doorstep after he called to say he had something to give me. I just knew.

It was this friend I suspected placing the book in my vehicle, once the friend who had attended the lecture with me said it had not fallen from her bag and did not belong to her. The fertile soil of my imagination began to spring forth with all kinds of conclusions and scenarios. Rarely did I leave my car unlocked at church. Only when my son wants to get a practice run in on the way home does this ever happen, as he needs access to the car so he can change into his running clothes and head on before I am often ready to go.

I tried to figure out opportunities and motives. Did someone plant this book for me because it is common knowledge that I am in dire need of guidance? Who would do such a thing? Has my privacy been violated, my private property infringed upon, or am I being blessed by someone who cares? Does anyone care? A mind can wander far afield in no time at all.

It never once occurred to me until this morning, as I finished reading the book, that I believe my pastor once lent it to me and I had previously read it. As I had driven home from the church after gathering up the books that day, the stacks had shifted as I rounded the corners, driving too fast as usual, and I am now absolutely certain that this book fell completely off the edge, lodging itself between the seat and the side of the car. There it would remain until the time of this divine appointment, when I would find it waiting for me. I would again read it to rekindle wonder, subdue fear and take a good look at what it is I am longing for. I would be inspired to pray. I would be inspired to write. I would find peace.

Like the unexpected snow, gently covering over the dry grass and leafless trees with refreshing beauty, God has a way of gathering together the broken pieces of one's heart and speaking into them life that will turn a dormant season into one of growth again. What does my heart need? To be loved: when I least expect it and when I need it the most.

endurance

Driving to the outer edge of the Walmart lot to find a parking spot as the customers somberly trudge into the store, clothed in their warmest winter attire, I dread competing for goods, as the snow is about to fall.

After discovering that the batteries were dead for our largest flashlight and battery-powered lantern during our brief power outage the other night, I went in search of a replacement, or at least batteries. Two propane lanterns on a shelf in the camping section, left behind by panicked people trying to quickly secure supplies, would go nicely with our somewhat new propane Coleman stove which is not for inside use either, but I choose a suitable flashlight on the nearly empty flashlight shelf instead.

In the beer aisle, three people are trying to make the correct wine choice, blocking my path with their carts. I want to ask them what they are planning for dinner. Red meat = red; white meat = white. I like red wine with pasta whether or not there is meat in the sauce. For everything else, there is beer, which I consider while a man is smiling in my direction like some men do when I purchase beer, either acknowledging I have made a good choice or hoping I will perhaps consider some other sort of choice. Samuel Adams' Cold Snap wins my vote as most appropriate for the occasion.

As I swerve the faulty clacking cart I was left with to avoid getting run into by those in a panic to locate bread and milk, I remain calm. Perhaps as a survival mechanism to endure the Walmart shopping experience, I begin to daydream.

My mind wanders to a time I was around the age of six and was in a snowstorm with my mother. Not the inch or two of snow we were about to have that constitutes an emergency in the South, but an honest to goodness Michigan snowstorm.

I do not know why my mother and I were in a car without my sisters or exactly where we were going. We were out near where she grew up and everything was white; the sky, the fields, the road. The whiteout condition eventually forced my mother to drive the car into the ditch where we came in for a soft landing since the snow was so deep. Not being able to see anything, I wondered which direction we would go for help. All I remember is that it was so cold and so windy that my mother could only protect me by putting a brown paper grocery bag over my head and leading me up the road back to Grandma's house where we would be warm and safe again.

There are other snowstorm stories I could tell, especially the one in which I was trying to get home to Michigan for Christmas after running off to Denver, Colorado after I graduated from college. I had bought the last ticket on an Amtrak train, hours behind schedule because of a snowstorm that hit Colorado. Once on the train, the 24-hour trip became much longer as the journey was halted numerous times so the tracks could be cleared as the snow continued eastward. By the time we had reached Chicago, the connection had been missed and I would then have to take a bus until I reached a city about an hour away from the farm. No more buses north were running. The county was officially closed!

Standing in line at that bus station to use the phone, I overheard the conversation of the person in front of me trying to contact someone to take him further north when his friends showed up at the bus station, even though we were at least four hours late. They happily included me in their attempt to get home and as we neared their small town I was pretty sure I would be spending the night with these new friends. But a pastor, whose name I do not even remember, decided to help me out. He drove into blinding snow as his wife quietly sang "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and we prayed we would not soon be joining all the other vehicles that had run off the road. We would make it to the police station where they would say good-bye and head back to their home.

Wrapped in a blanket because I had not taken a winter coat with me to Colorado and was in no way prepared for this or any other storm, I sat in a police station doing embroidery and wondering if I would be spending Christmas with the men on duty. My parents had gotten in touch with the neighbor who had a snowplow on his truck and since it was the only vehicle able to handle the volume of snow, the neighbor decided to risk the six-mile drive to the station to retrieve me.

Backing up to ram a snow drift just to proceed forward on the road took some time and the normally 15-minute or so drive probably took at least half an hour or more. So many times we could have gotten permanently stuck. So many things could have gone wrong. We could only take it one snow drift at a time.

Making it through a completely closed road up to the unplowed driveway of the house, I jumped out in waist-deep snow to make my way to the door. We knew we would be snowed in for days, not seeing anyone except for a rare sighting of our neighbors. A week or two snowbound was not that unusual. Not seeing the sun shine for even longer than that was a way of life. We already had four or five blankets on our beds; losing electricity would not alter that amount.  We would weather many storms, always waiting for the day we would see a robin, the first sign of spring.

These are the thoughts that occupy me as I stand in the long line at Walmart. I think about being led to safety though I do not know where I am going, and the many people along the way who are willing to offer their support and love for my well-being. I breathe deeply. Spring will again come.

Saturday

I wake up before the alarm and walk out into the dark early morning air with my dog, under a canopy of stars so great in number I stand in awe. I hear rustling and turn to see deer--I count six of them, swiftly leaping across the street from one neighbor's yard through the next and into the woods. Grateful that the dog did not become aware of their presence, somehow get away from me and end up getting lost in the woods with no one having the time to patiently look for him, I go back inside.

Realizing I have no pictures of items to sell to post on my Facebook page, since I had not yet finished them, I find a comforting quote, one that I need to ponder over a cup of coffee, and then another.

While driving into town I listen to the soundtrack to O Brother to get me in the mood for the farmers' market. I sing the harmony to You are my Sunshine and I'll Fly Away. Soon I am at my table already set up for my customers to find me sewing. Friends stop by to chat and though it is a very slow day at the market, I end up making some sales which encourages me to come back next time.

Home alone, I partake of a Saturday afternoon nap--the best kind.

I spend some time online researching, watching a lecture, reading. There are so many ways to spend a Saturday: taking a walk, going for a run--which I do not do often enough, catching up on my reading--if  there is ever such a thing as catching up since there will always be more reading to do. I decide to go to the gym for a swim.

Settling into a hot whirlpool bath of swirling, bubbling water, I realize it is the first time I have felt completely warm all day. I try not to breathe too deeply as the amount of chlorine used to keep the water safe is seemingly quite high since the odor of it permeates the air. Somehow I am able to relax even in the midst of mostly men walking by often glancing over at me in my least attractive swimsuit that is now faded and falling apart thanks again to the chlorine. I stare straight ahead sometimes averting my gaze to the rafters. I am like the person in the Bible waiting at the Bethesda pool for someone to help him in so he could be healed. I trust I am in the right place. I await my healing.

My latest swimming routine goes something like this: three laps kicking with a noodle (they got rid of all the little kick boards) followed by three laps doing a side stroke and then repeat both sets so I do twelve laps in all. I know the exercise would be more effective if I did the crawl like a normal person would but I become out of breath more quickly and cannot go as long. I also am unable to see without my glasses--anything, and running into the side of the pool head-first is not a good idea. I do have, however, prescription goggles which leaves no room for excuses. I make them anyway.

Driving home I see deer standing in a field--I count six of them, and wonder if it is this same group reconvening for a night out. Rounding the corner toward my home, as the sun sets behind the trees painting the sky a breathtaking orange-red, I experience a rush of gratitude for my life. Walking in the door to the wonderful aroma of salmon and rice being expertly prepared by my husband who is happy to greet me, my youngest son pretending to shyly look away as I will try to make him laugh like I always do, I wonder if that water did have some healing properties. For at this moment, I feel all is right with my world.

I'll take Mozart

Walking through the carpeted hallways of a well-regarded private school on the other side of town, I joined the group of women showing up looking somewhat frazzled after hours spent teaching small children. I chose the music instruction for preschool workshop as my way of obtaining the ongoing teaching credits necessary for my job.

I know music to an extent, having studied piano and flute for seven years from 5th grade through high school. I would pick up my flute again at the tender age of 29 performing in my last flute ensemble concert of our small community college class taught by a woman who played flute in the Denver Chamber Orchestra. I was pregnant with Gabriel at the time, aware that music instruction may have to be shelved while the demands of motherhood took over. After my flute was stolen during a break-in, and returned to me after divine intervention led me to the correct pawn shop, I made good on my promise to God by playing my flute in church where I hope to play it again someday--but I digress.

In the music room of this school, we sat in chairs around a carpet filled with musical symbols, where the students would sit during class. We were shown video clips of young children dancing around the circle using small steps and big ones; matching the musical selections in tone and intensity. As the music teacher read a book to us with a musical accompaniment, I experienced the pleasure of reentering my childhood, remembering how much I love being read to and how satisfying a beautifully illustrated children's book can be. I started thinking about the many books I have loved as a child, then as a mother and a teacher, and . . . .

By the end of the workshop we were each given a turn to go to the teacher's table to pick out either a cd or a poster for our classroom. Music is a powerful stimulant but can also evoke a sense of relaxation, thus giving our thoughts a chance to process more deeply. Studies have shown that the brain becomes engaged, soothed and encouraged to form all kinds of connections by listening to Mozart. The variety of children's music designed to awaken the sensitivities of the very young, as well as the brightly colored wall posters were inviting. But having much to consider lately, I popped in the cd I chose as I started my car. Angelic strains of Eine kleine Nachtmusik in G major came forth, bringing rest to my soul.  

another one of those dreams

The other night I had one of those dreams that haunt me for days afterward. Though science tells us we are not in REM sleep very long, this dream seemed to go on all night. Most of the specifics of the dream were already forgotten upon waking, and yet there is one detail that still has hold of me.

In the dream I am going about my day--busy as usual. I go to work at the preschool. I run errands. I come home and go to work again. I then go to sporting events, or meetings, or go back to work in the evenings. Fortunately the work I keep mentioning is making art and is as therapeutic as it is necessary for my business to thrive.

Throughout the dream, in each scene of my daily life, I see in the background a small child. Engaged as I am carrying out whatever my duties are at the moment, I do not take the time to follow up on the passing thoughts I have regarding the child. As the dream progresses, the thoughts become more prevalent. Why is that child wandering around alone? Where is the mother? I am not even sure whether the child is male or female since the child's hair is cut short and uneven, as though someone were in a hurry.

Near the end of the dream, while I am in the middle of something that is requiring most of my attention, I suddenly sense the child standing nearby. I look down and gasp. The child is me.

She stands there with tears running down her young face, her pre-plastic surgery lip trembling. The all-too-familiar pixie haircut is as unflattering as ever. Her nondescript shirt and jeans made her look like a boy. Her near-sighted blue eyes look directly into mine, quietly pleading for help. She has just enough color on her freckled face and chopped off red hair to stand out in the room, but not in the confident way children who know they are deeply loved do.

Though it is my natural inclination to comfort a child, as I have learned throughout my tenure as a preschool teacher, as well as in motherhood, I knelt down but then froze in place. There were so many things I wanted to tell her--words of wisdom and comfort, but all I heard myself saying through my tears was that it would be ok, having no idea of whether or not that was what she needed to hear or even if it was true.