unexpectedly

As I unloaded my vehicle last Saturday afternoon, gingerly walking on the ice-covered driveway as I carried my bed spring display rack to the storage shed, I discovered a paperback book wedged between the passenger-side back seat and the side of the car.

Tired from a morning at the Farmers' Market and feeling discouraged since I had made no sales that day, I barely looked at the book, focusing instead on its possible ownership. Since I increasingly drive alone these days, I could not imagine who would have left it behind, especially since my youngest son, the last one left at home, has not yet fallen in love with books.

It was just a week ago a friend had travelled with me to Chapel Hill to attend a lecture, and visit my oldest son, who has finally discovered the joy of reading. My friend had left her bag in the back seat and though I was not paying close attention to it, I wondered now if it had been a tote bag like many teachers carry, containing books. Perhaps one had fallen out. Speculation was endless as to how this book could have entered my vehicle and gotten trapped there, as my mind raced to solve this mystery.

The book, a book of prayers entitled Wonder, Fear, and Longing started working on me, but it was not until I turned the book over to read the outside back cover, as is my tendency whenever I find a book in my hands, that the sentence at the top in all caps overtook me: WHAT DOES YOUR HEART NEED? And though one would think this would get my attention in a good way, inviting me to explore my inner world, my immediate reaction was to throw the book against the house as I was walking toward the door. Not ever wanting to damage something as precious as a book, I found the self-control to refrain.

WHAT DOES MY HEART NEED?! WHO WANTS TO KNOW?!! AND WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE ANYWAY?!!! It was just a question. It was just a book. But its message was now interfering with my state of mind, already picking up speed to head in a dark direction. The book was in essence saying, "Excuse me, can we talk?" and I was uncharacteristically saying, "NO!"

Forcing myself to take this book head-on I did eventually read the back cover: "The point of this book is to encourage you to give yourself to God--your anger, your fear, your gratitude, your curiosity--your real self to the real God, because then (and only then) will your heart find peace (even in the midst of wonder, fear, and longing)." I did not want to read this. I needed to read this.

As I continued to read the book, it sounded familiar to me. The words fell like raindrops on the dry, cracked soil of my heart, broken wide open as the pastor of my church, who had become a good friend to me and to my family, would transition into another position in another state, leaving behind a stack of books--one for me and one for my husband--since he, like us, loves to read and to learn. I had walked into the conference room at the church after he had cleared out his office to see a large table filled with what I recognized had once lined his shelves, when I would meet with him across the round table usually covered with stacks of books as well. Books written about the faith we shared; books on history, various religions; books meant to guide someone in his or her life's journey. Books to challenge one's thinking and ask meaningful questions.

Walking out of the conference room that day, carrying as many books as my arms could hold, I unceremoniously tossed them into the back seat of my vehicle and drove away choking down more tears. I did not want these books coming home with me. I wanted them to remain on the familiar shelves of someone I would counsel with, talk to and assist in leadership. Taking these books was forcing me to realize that someday when that office door would again be open, nothing would look the same. The pictures on the walls would be taken down, replaced by the memorabilia of someone new. Personal effects would all be gone. A day or two later a friend would show up with a box containing one of these artifacts: the carved four friends embracing around a fire candle holder. It used to be on the corner of the pastor's desk. I do not know how I knew that particular item would be in the box my friend stood holding on my doorstep after he called to say he had something to give me. I just knew.

It was this friend I suspected placing the book in my vehicle, once the friend who had attended the lecture with me said it had not fallen from her bag and did not belong to her. The fertile soil of my imagination began to spring forth with all kinds of conclusions and scenarios. Rarely did I leave my car unlocked at church. Only when my son wants to get a practice run in on the way home does this ever happen, as he needs access to the car so he can change into his running clothes and head on before I am often ready to go.

I tried to figure out opportunities and motives. Did someone plant this book for me because it is common knowledge that I am in dire need of guidance? Who would do such a thing? Has my privacy been violated, my private property infringed upon, or am I being blessed by someone who cares? Does anyone care? A mind can wander far afield in no time at all.

It never once occurred to me until this morning, as I finished reading the book, that I believe my pastor once lent it to me and I had previously read it. As I had driven home from the church after gathering up the books that day, the stacks had shifted as I rounded the corners, driving too fast as usual, and I am now absolutely certain that this book fell completely off the edge, lodging itself between the seat and the side of the car. There it would remain until the time of this divine appointment, when I would find it waiting for me. I would again read it to rekindle wonder, subdue fear and take a good look at what it is I am longing for. I would be inspired to pray. I would be inspired to write. I would find peace.

Like the unexpected snow, gently covering over the dry grass and leafless trees with refreshing beauty, God has a way of gathering together the broken pieces of one's heart and speaking into them life that will turn a dormant season into one of growth again. What does my heart need? To be loved: when I least expect it and when I need it the most.

endurance

Driving to the outer edge of the Walmart lot to find a parking spot as the customers somberly trudge into the store, clothed in their warmest winter attire, I dread competing for goods, as the snow is about to fall.

After discovering that the batteries were dead for our largest flashlight and battery-powered lantern during our brief power outage the other night, I went in search of a replacement, or at least batteries. Two propane lanterns on a shelf in the camping section, left behind by panicked people trying to quickly secure supplies, would go nicely with our somewhat new propane Coleman stove which is not for inside use either, but I choose a suitable flashlight on the nearly empty flashlight shelf instead.

In the beer aisle, three people are trying to make the correct wine choice, blocking my path with their carts. I want to ask them what they are planning for dinner. Red meat = red; white meat = white. I like red wine with pasta whether or not there is meat in the sauce. For everything else, there is beer, which I consider while a man is smiling in my direction like some men do when I purchase beer, either acknowledging I have made a good choice or hoping I will perhaps consider some other sort of choice. Samuel Adams' Cold Snap wins my vote as most appropriate for the occasion.

As I swerve the faulty clacking cart I was left with to avoid getting run into by those in a panic to locate bread and milk, I remain calm. Perhaps as a survival mechanism to endure the Walmart shopping experience, I begin to daydream.

My mind wanders to a time I was around the age of six and was in a snowstorm with my mother. Not the inch or two of snow we were about to have that constitutes an emergency in the South, but an honest to goodness Michigan snowstorm.

I do not know why my mother and I were in a car without my sisters or exactly where we were going. We were out near where she grew up and everything was white; the sky, the fields, the road. The whiteout condition eventually forced my mother to drive the car into the ditch where we came in for a soft landing since the snow was so deep. Not being able to see anything, I wondered which direction we would go for help. All I remember is that it was so cold and so windy that my mother could only protect me by putting a brown paper grocery bag over my head and leading me up the road back to Grandma's house where we would be warm and safe again.

There are other snowstorm stories I could tell, especially the one in which I was trying to get home to Michigan for Christmas after running off to Denver, Colorado after I graduated from college. I had bought the last ticket on an Amtrak train, hours behind schedule because of a snowstorm that hit Colorado. Once on the train, the 24-hour trip became much longer as the journey was halted numerous times so the tracks could be cleared as the snow continued eastward. By the time we had reached Chicago, the connection had been missed and I would then have to take a bus until I reached a city about an hour away from the farm. No more buses north were running. The county was officially closed!

Standing in line at that bus station to use the phone, I overheard the conversation of the person in front of me trying to contact someone to take him further north when his friends showed up at the bus station, even though we were at least four hours late. They happily included me in their attempt to get home and as we neared their small town I was pretty sure I would be spending the night with these new friends. But a pastor, whose name I do not even remember, decided to help me out. He drove into blinding snow as his wife quietly sang "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and we prayed we would not soon be joining all the other vehicles that had run off the road. We would make it to the police station where they would say good-bye and head back to their home.

Wrapped in a blanket because I had not taken a winter coat with me to Colorado and was in no way prepared for this or any other storm, I sat in a police station doing embroidery and wondering if I would be spending Christmas with the men on duty. My parents had gotten in touch with the neighbor who had a snowplow on his truck and since it was the only vehicle able to handle the volume of snow, the neighbor decided to risk the six-mile drive to the station to retrieve me.

Backing up to ram a snow drift just to proceed forward on the road took some time and the normally 15-minute or so drive probably took at least half an hour or more. So many times we could have gotten permanently stuck. So many things could have gone wrong. We could only take it one snow drift at a time.

Making it through a completely closed road up to the unplowed driveway of the house, I jumped out in waist-deep snow to make my way to the door. We knew we would be snowed in for days, not seeing anyone except for a rare sighting of our neighbors. A week or two snowbound was not that unusual. Not seeing the sun shine for even longer than that was a way of life. We already had four or five blankets on our beds; losing electricity would not alter that amount.  We would weather many storms, always waiting for the day we would see a robin, the first sign of spring.

These are the thoughts that occupy me as I stand in the long line at Walmart. I think about being led to safety though I do not know where I am going, and the many people along the way who are willing to offer their support and love for my well-being. I breathe deeply. Spring will again come.

Saturday

I wake up before the alarm and walk out into the dark early morning air with my dog, under a canopy of stars so great in number I stand in awe. I hear rustling and turn to see deer--I count six of them, swiftly leaping across the street from one neighbor's yard through the next and into the woods. Grateful that the dog did not become aware of their presence, somehow get away from me and end up getting lost in the woods with no one having the time to patiently look for him, I go back inside.

Realizing I have no pictures of items to sell to post on my Facebook page, since I had not yet finished them, I find a comforting quote, one that I need to ponder over a cup of coffee, and then another.

While driving into town I listen to the soundtrack to O Brother to get me in the mood for the farmers' market. I sing the harmony to You are my Sunshine and I'll Fly Away. Soon I am at my table already set up for my customers to find me sewing. Friends stop by to chat and though it is a very slow day at the market, I end up making some sales which encourages me to come back next time.

Home alone, I partake of a Saturday afternoon nap--the best kind.

I spend some time online researching, watching a lecture, reading. There are so many ways to spend a Saturday: taking a walk, going for a run--which I do not do often enough, catching up on my reading--if  there is ever such a thing as catching up since there will always be more reading to do. I decide to go to the gym for a swim.

Settling into a hot whirlpool bath of swirling, bubbling water, I realize it is the first time I have felt completely warm all day. I try not to breathe too deeply as the amount of chlorine used to keep the water safe is seemingly quite high since the odor of it permeates the air. Somehow I am able to relax even in the midst of mostly men walking by often glancing over at me in my least attractive swimsuit that is now faded and falling apart thanks again to the chlorine. I stare straight ahead sometimes averting my gaze to the rafters. I am like the person in the Bible waiting at the Bethesda pool for someone to help him in so he could be healed. I trust I am in the right place. I await my healing.

My latest swimming routine goes something like this: three laps kicking with a noodle (they got rid of all the little kick boards) followed by three laps doing a side stroke and then repeat both sets so I do twelve laps in all. I know the exercise would be more effective if I did the crawl like a normal person would but I become out of breath more quickly and cannot go as long. I also am unable to see without my glasses--anything, and running into the side of the pool head-first is not a good idea. I do have, however, prescription goggles which leaves no room for excuses. I make them anyway.

Driving home I see deer standing in a field--I count six of them, and wonder if it is this same group reconvening for a night out. Rounding the corner toward my home, as the sun sets behind the trees painting the sky a breathtaking orange-red, I experience a rush of gratitude for my life. Walking in the door to the wonderful aroma of salmon and rice being expertly prepared by my husband who is happy to greet me, my youngest son pretending to shyly look away as I will try to make him laugh like I always do, I wonder if that water did have some healing properties. For at this moment, I feel all is right with my world.

I'll take Mozart

Walking through the carpeted hallways of a well-regarded private school on the other side of town, I joined the group of women showing up looking somewhat frazzled after hours spent teaching small children. I chose the music instruction for preschool workshop as my way of obtaining the ongoing teaching credits necessary for my job.

I know music to an extent, having studied piano and flute for seven years from 5th grade through high school. I would pick up my flute again at the tender age of 29 performing in my last flute ensemble concert of our small community college class taught by a woman who played flute in the Denver Chamber Orchestra. I was pregnant with Gabriel at the time, aware that music instruction may have to be shelved while the demands of motherhood took over. After my flute was stolen during a break-in, and returned to me after divine intervention led me to the correct pawn shop, I made good on my promise to God by playing my flute in church where I hope to play it again someday--but I digress.

In the music room of this school, we sat in chairs around a carpet filled with musical symbols, where the students would sit during class. We were shown video clips of young children dancing around the circle using small steps and big ones; matching the musical selections in tone and intensity. As the music teacher read a book to us with a musical accompaniment, I experienced the pleasure of reentering my childhood, remembering how much I love being read to and how satisfying a beautifully illustrated children's book can be. I started thinking about the many books I have loved as a child, then as a mother and a teacher, and . . . .

By the end of the workshop we were each given a turn to go to the teacher's table to pick out either a cd or a poster for our classroom. Music is a powerful stimulant but can also evoke a sense of relaxation, thus giving our thoughts a chance to process more deeply. Studies have shown that the brain becomes engaged, soothed and encouraged to form all kinds of connections by listening to Mozart. The variety of children's music designed to awaken the sensitivities of the very young, as well as the brightly colored wall posters were inviting. But having much to consider lately, I popped in the cd I chose as I started my car. Angelic strains of Eine kleine Nachtmusik in G major came forth, bringing rest to my soul.  

another one of those dreams

The other night I had one of those dreams that haunt me for days afterward. Though science tells us we are not in REM sleep very long, this dream seemed to go on all night. Most of the specifics of the dream were already forgotten upon waking, and yet there is one detail that still has hold of me.

In the dream I am going about my day--busy as usual. I go to work at the preschool. I run errands. I come home and go to work again. I then go to sporting events, or meetings, or go back to work in the evenings. Fortunately the work I keep mentioning is making art and is as therapeutic as it is necessary for my business to thrive.

Throughout the dream, in each scene of my daily life, I see in the background a small child. Engaged as I am carrying out whatever my duties are at the moment, I do not take the time to follow up on the passing thoughts I have regarding the child. As the dream progresses, the thoughts become more prevalent. Why is that child wandering around alone? Where is the mother? I am not even sure whether the child is male or female since the child's hair is cut short and uneven, as though someone were in a hurry.

Near the end of the dream, while I am in the middle of something that is requiring most of my attention, I suddenly sense the child standing nearby. I look down and gasp. The child is me.

She stands there with tears running down her young face, her pre-plastic surgery lip trembling. The all-too-familiar pixie haircut is as unflattering as ever. Her nondescript shirt and jeans made her look like a boy. Her near-sighted blue eyes look directly into mine, quietly pleading for help. She has just enough color on her freckled face and chopped off red hair to stand out in the room, but not in the confident way children who know they are deeply loved do.

Though it is my natural inclination to comfort a child, as I have learned throughout my tenure as a preschool teacher, as well as in motherhood, I knelt down but then froze in place. There were so many things I wanted to tell her--words of wisdom and comfort, but all I heard myself saying through my tears was that it would be ok, having no idea of whether or not that was what she needed to hear or even if it was true.

a guy named Keith

The first recollection I have of Keith Uffman is when my husband, Lee, came home saying that our then seventh grade son, Ariel, who wanted to go out for track, was being coached by a guy named Keith.

We then had the following conversation:

"Keith who?"

"I have no idea."

"Is he a teacher?"

"I don't think so."

"Then he must be somebody's dad."

"I do not know who he is."

This guy named Keith, who stood near the far corner of the track wearing a big hat, shouting out times to track kids who were trying to run faster, remained a mystery until we heard that his last name was Uffman. The only other person we knew by that name was Mary Helen so by default he had to be her husband.

One day Lee noticed Keith dropping off his daughter for cross county training at Hagan Stone Park--I KNEW he had to be somebody's dad--and as both men are runners, they ran together. In the course of their conversation Keith would tell Lee that when he wasn't coaching middle school track, he was pastoring a church--Alamance Presbyterian Church. But only when asked directly did Keith share with Lee his level of education.

"So what do I call you?" Lee asked.  "Reverend? Doctor? Coach?"

"Call me Keith," was his answer.

(We would sometimes refer to him by some variation of the Reverend Doctor Coach Mr. Uffman in the privacy of our own home, but to his face we called him Keith.)

Keith invited us to come to church. Lee invited Keith to come to our oldest son's high school graduation party at our home. We came to Alamance; loved the music, the preaching and the welcome. Keith showed up at our party, politely engaging my parents in conversation, and getting to know so much about us.

As our sons have gone through school, Keith coached Ariel and Joel for track, and Mary Helen taught and coached them in soccer, earning both of the Uffmans a place of honor in our family, reserved for anyone who helps us raise our boys well.

Seven years ago Keith could have introduced himself to us as the Reverend Dr. Uffman, as he has earned that right, but as he explained it to Lee, a title can be a barrier, a division between people, and not necessarily the best way to get to know someone. Though we were not sure what our church affiliation would be, it seemed clear from the start that we had found a friend.

Keith often chooses not to wear a traditional Presbyterian robe, which could further separate himself from the body of Christ. He not only invites ALL of God's children to the table of the Lord to receive communion, but lives out this ecumenical invitation in his studies, in dialogue with interfaith leaders, and in counseling those in need--with a generous portion of compassion and a bit of humor thrown in. It has been up to Keith to remind us that we are all beloved children of God. It is up to God to sort out the rest.

It would take me a year of investigating the Presbyterian faith, including reading the Book of Order, and other great books and authors Keith has continued to recommend, before I was willing to join this church. Keith kept telling me, "Only God can bind your conscience," whatever that means. Thanks to Keith's patient endurance of my endless questioning, I, too, could become a Presbyterian.

When I recently thanked Keith for sharing his pulpit with me so I could read what I had written to the congregation, he was quick to point out that it was never his pulpit, but God's pulpit. It is not his church, but a church in which the Spirit of the Lord dwells.

This is a testament of the character of the man who has been in leadership here for the past 18 years: a quiet man with a brilliant mind, gentle spirit and sparkling wit; a humble minister of the Word who has faithfully yielded his life to serve God and all of us. A guy named Keith.

mental

Words of inspiration on Facebook sometimes ring true to me and I will post them on my wall with the hope that someone else will be able to relate to the sentiment as I do. It is a subtle way of letting others know what I like and who I am.

The other day I came across a post that I felt completely opposed to--so much so that I need to write a rebuttal of sorts just to get it out of my system.

The original post, with a picture of a runner in the background, is as follows:

6 Things Mentally Strong People Do

1.  They move on. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
2.  They embrace change. They welcome challenges.
3.  They stay happy. They don't waste energy on things they can't control.
4.  They are kind, fair and unafraid to speak up.
5.  They are willing to take calculated risks.
6.  They celebrate other people's success. They don't resent that success.


1. Mentally strong people move on and do not feel sorry for themselves.

I don't know about you but I have had the misfortune of having some of these people cross my path. Moving on is often translated to mean refusing to work through the issues. A wall goes up when questions are asked. No, they do not waste time feeling sorry for themselves or anyone else, which does not make them selfless or mentally strong, but just the opposite. Chances are, they may even be responsible for the problem, but will move on anyway leaving behind a mess for others to clean up.

2. Embracing change and welcoming challenges.

This sounds amazing, doesn't it. Being a real change agent. When the changes are promotions, more money, better stuff, good things happening--sure. Who welcomes the challenge of adjusting to the diagnosis of a life-altering illness? Loss of job? Loss of home? Loss of income? Loss of a loved one? I've known so-called mentally strong people fall apart in the midst of something I would consider relatively minor. Maybe those who say they embrace change have not really had to.

3. Staying happy and not wasting energy on things they cannot control are two very different ideas.

People who claim to be happy all the time are not. Their forced smiles, strained voices and mannerisms are carefully choreographed to avoid dealing with how they really feel. Maybe they are forcing themselves to suck it up because the change they said they would embrace was not exactly what they had in mind. They cannot feel sorry for themselves because they are mentally strong. Therefore, they present themselves in ways that make them appear as believable as cartoon characters.

4. Kind, fair, unafraid to speak up.

It has not been my experience that this sort of mentally strong person is kind. Of course when I'm thinking of kindness, I'm thinking of empathy. In order to have empathy for another human being, one has to enter into that person's pain, something many people are unwilling or unable to do. Fairness would amount to treating each person the same as the next, or in this case, not engaging deeply with anyone. Afraid to speak up? Oh no, this person will tell you to embrace change and move on!

5. Calculated risks.

If one is not going to waste energy on things he or she cannot control, how can there be any time devoted for planning a calculated risk? Weren't we just embracing whatever happens, come what may? Mentally strong people will risk what they can control to avoid appearing weak like the sappy people whose very act of expressing emotion may enable others to release their pent up emotion. Putting up the brave front does not ultimately make one stronger. Internalizing feelings backfires in the end.

6. Celebrating the success of others.

Celebrating someone else requires the willingness to enter into that person's life for a few minutes. I can celebrate someone's good fortune that far outweighs mine. Most people I know have better stuff and more money than I do. Their houses are bigger, their vacations more exciting, and I celebrate their happiness--especially when they do not feel guilty for their many blessings. I can feel the sentiment of someone who is truly celebrating me versus someone who is trying to say and do the right thing.

The picture on the inspirational poster is of a runner and if this is the lens in which these six items are seen, it makes a big difference. Being mentally tough is a big part of running as it requires that sort of strength for runners to keep moving on and not feeling sorry for themselves even though they may want to rest. They challenge themselves to run further and faster and embrace whatever is on the path ahead. They have to devote all of their energy to running and focus on remaining positive, not worrying about what may be around the next corner. They possess a kindness, fairness and willingness to speak up to tell someone they are about to pass them. These are common courtesies of all runners. They take calculated risks and keep on going. And at the finish line all are celebrated for having achieved the goal of finishing, regardless of times, needed breaks, injuries or anything else.

I would like to say that running and life are exactly the same, and it would actually be easier if they were, but they are not. There are reasons we each make the choices that we do--reasons that may not make sense to someone who has not experienced them.

We all move on at different speeds. It is hard to question what is going on in one's inner life. What resembles self-absorption may in fact be the process of surrendering it all to God.

Change will come whether we embrace it or not. It is in the daily rhythms of life we figure out how to adapt. When I am ready to accept whatever is before me, I believe I will be shown how.

If I live my life according to the way of Jesus, I let him forge my path. Happiness is circumstantial and fleeting. Joy, even in the midst of terrible sorrow, remains.

I am not afraid to speak up. My challenge has been to find someone who will listen. It is not kind or fair to ignore someone with a quieter presence. We all have something to say.

I take a calculated risk every time I write what is truly on my heart. I risk offending those I wish to bless. I risk having what I believe dismissed by those who cannot or will not try to understand.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. That has been my biblical motto for many years. When we can enter into the lives of each other, we can learn to walk together--and even run!

We will someday each cross the ultimate finish line with those who have gone before cheering us on. No more definitions of what it means to be mentally strong. No more sadness. No more change. No more control issues or risk-taking. All tears will be wiped away.

And all the people said amen.